I enjoyed your article, thank you. My wife and I plan to have children in the next few years and I often find myself thinking about how to raise boys specifically. From what I can tell, I share a similar life experience with you. I've suffered a lot and have learned many hard lessons in my life. I grew up with extremely permissive parents. I've had to forge discipline in an environment that invites laziness. I've had to develop my own moral code because no one ever taught me right and wrong. I've had to stitch everything together on my own. I often worry that all my attempts to help my boys might only hurt them.
>Those of us who survived the purge are akin to a soldier who survived a frontal assault across no-man’s land. It wasn’t through skill or wit that we evaded all the bullets aimed at our heads.<
This does not feel quite true. It feels like those of us who survived the purge were not just lucky but rather those who decided to try their best despite facing seemingly overwhelming odds. Those who pushed forward and picked themselves up again and again rather than laying down and dying.
I worry that true conviction and my hard fought lessons will be impossible to pass down. I often think back and see that all of my most important beliefs were formed in the face of hardship and experience-- not taught or passed down. How can you teach a boy to reach inside themselves, disregard everything they've been taught, and forge their own path? How can a man understand the full value and purpose of honesty without first being a liar? How can someone avoid vice without first indulging? How can a boy understand the perverse lies of modern society if they have been shielded from it their whole life?
I would be interested in an article about this. I agree with your dimensions of manhood, but I don't know how I'd ever teach them. Everything important I've ever learned, I've had to learn myself-- oftentimes realizing after-the-fact that it aligns exactly what someone had told me long ago (but had never held emotional truth until I learned it for myself). When I consider this, it's hard not to feel like the best strategy is to throw a boy to the wolves and hope that he emerges stronger for it.
"This does not feel quite true. It feels like those of us who survived the purge were not just lucky but rather those who decided to try their best despite facing seemingly overwhelming odds. Those who pushed forward and picked themselves up again and again rather than laying down and dying."
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. As for this part, I agree with you. My intent in the analogy to no-man's land was only to say that many more boys could make it through in a healthier time, if our society knew what masculinity was for. There's no need for all the carnage.
As to your experience growing up, it sounds like you overcame a lot and are stronger for it. I had more support than you did it sounds like. The way I see it, every boy does indeed need to be "thrown to the wolves" but at first, it can be a wolf with no teeth, a baby wolf, or he can face the wolf with a few friends or mentors. I believe boys can learn to hold onto these emotional truths in the context of fraternity and initiation. My church helped immensely in this regard. It's not required to go it completely alone.
What four virtues would you write for raising women?
That's a great question. I'll think about that, consult with some moms and include it in a future article.
I enjoyed your article, thank you. My wife and I plan to have children in the next few years and I often find myself thinking about how to raise boys specifically. From what I can tell, I share a similar life experience with you. I've suffered a lot and have learned many hard lessons in my life. I grew up with extremely permissive parents. I've had to forge discipline in an environment that invites laziness. I've had to develop my own moral code because no one ever taught me right and wrong. I've had to stitch everything together on my own. I often worry that all my attempts to help my boys might only hurt them.
>Those of us who survived the purge are akin to a soldier who survived a frontal assault across no-man’s land. It wasn’t through skill or wit that we evaded all the bullets aimed at our heads.<
This does not feel quite true. It feels like those of us who survived the purge were not just lucky but rather those who decided to try their best despite facing seemingly overwhelming odds. Those who pushed forward and picked themselves up again and again rather than laying down and dying.
I worry that true conviction and my hard fought lessons will be impossible to pass down. I often think back and see that all of my most important beliefs were formed in the face of hardship and experience-- not taught or passed down. How can you teach a boy to reach inside themselves, disregard everything they've been taught, and forge their own path? How can a man understand the full value and purpose of honesty without first being a liar? How can someone avoid vice without first indulging? How can a boy understand the perverse lies of modern society if they have been shielded from it their whole life?
I would be interested in an article about this. I agree with your dimensions of manhood, but I don't know how I'd ever teach them. Everything important I've ever learned, I've had to learn myself-- oftentimes realizing after-the-fact that it aligns exactly what someone had told me long ago (but had never held emotional truth until I learned it for myself). When I consider this, it's hard not to feel like the best strategy is to throw a boy to the wolves and hope that he emerges stronger for it.
"This does not feel quite true. It feels like those of us who survived the purge were not just lucky but rather those who decided to try their best despite facing seemingly overwhelming odds. Those who pushed forward and picked themselves up again and again rather than laying down and dying."
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. As for this part, I agree with you. My intent in the analogy to no-man's land was only to say that many more boys could make it through in a healthier time, if our society knew what masculinity was for. There's no need for all the carnage.
As to your experience growing up, it sounds like you overcame a lot and are stronger for it. I had more support than you did it sounds like. The way I see it, every boy does indeed need to be "thrown to the wolves" but at first, it can be a wolf with no teeth, a baby wolf, or he can face the wolf with a few friends or mentors. I believe boys can learn to hold onto these emotional truths in the context of fraternity and initiation. My church helped immensely in this regard. It's not required to go it completely alone.