One of the biggest mental blind spots of people who are concerned about community, family, marriage, etc. is survivorship bias. Survivorship bias is making decisions/judgments based only on the survivors of a process and not ever considering all the people who didn’t make it through.
In other words, it’s saying “it worked for me” or “this is how we’ve always done it” while ignoring the mass casualties of people who didn’t make it doing what you did. Men of vision today cannot afford to be nostalgic and confuse practices with principles:
Principles are why you do what you do and rarely, if ever, change.
Practices are the things you do to fulfill the why and may frequently change.
An older or nostalgic man may look back fondly on a practice close to his heart and see it as the essence of a principle – holding onto something long after it ceased to be useful.
We see this pattern in church programs1, family traditions, and in outdated advice that older people give to younger people. But our atomized society drives the success rate of these practices lower and lower each passing year. For several generations now, fewer and fewer children grow up to:
get married
have children of their own
believe in God/attend a church
live their lives in accordance with truth
The success rate is so low that casualties aren’t just a family tragedy but an existential and civilizational issue now. Those of us who survived the purge are akin to a soldier who survived a frontal assault across no-man’s land. It wasn’t through skill or wit that we evaded all the bullets aimed at our heads. Through the grace of God alone, we’re survivors.
But my conviction is we don’t need to act like a WW1 general and send the next generation of boys into the battle with the “it is what it is” expectation of mass casualties. We can increase the survivability rate of soldiers. Better planning, better maps, better strategy, better equipment, better armor, better training.
And one of our greatest opportunities to increase survivability is in the education and training of our boys.
Casualty Reports
Perhaps it’s unneeded personal context, but I feel the need to disclose I attended public school my entire youth and generally enjoyed it. I went to good schools, had good friends, learned from generally good teachers, and I excelled academically.
I have very little negative to say about my own experience. Public school did for me exactly what it said it would do. It got me into a high-ranking university, with 40+ hours of college credit in hand. Then I leveraged college and a few years of entry level work to get into a high ranking graduate school and from there a high salary at a Fortune 100 company.
I did it.
And because I did it, I feel quite justified in suggesting that perhaps, maybe, possibly, weather permitting of course, that the next generation of men should look into alternatives: that public school should be largely discouraged or at least de-emphasized for the current generation of boys for whom you have stewardship.
Getting into the system as early as possible is a tactic for an old battlefield and it’s getting our boys slaughtered. 200 years ago, educational reformers looked out at the largely agrarian, uneducated United States and rightly pushed for education for all. It took awhile, but they got there. Into the Postwar Era, it made a lot of sense to hitch your wagon to the excellence of the educational system. But that time is now well passed. The system that was set up, perhaps with wisdom, in the 19th century is broken in the 21st.
That some like myself, and perhaps you as well and maybe some of your kids, will survive contact with it is beside the point. Many of the ones we care about will not.
The public school to college pipeline no longer encourages the development of a complete and healthy masculinity. It no longer challenges or rewards boys to do hard things and become heroes and men. Success in the educational system is not a good barometer for manhood or capability as an adult man.
The boys themselves know this, which is why the prevailing attitude problems among young men aren’t rebelliousness or disobedience but more often apathy, coasting and an ironic detachment shielding them from having to be sincere or from striving.
You can hardly blame them. In many ways, our “lazy” young men are acting rationally, according to the incentives the system gives them.
The work, knowledge, spirituality, challenges and competition which create a man out of a boy will need to be reconstructed outside the school to college pipeline.
A Complete Masculinity
Scripture teaches us that Jesus Christ spent His youth increasing “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.”2
In other words, He represents a complete masculinity. A man who is strong, wise, obedient to God and capable with people. My church recently refocused it’s youth programs to center around these four areas:
Physical (Stature)
Intellectual (Wisdom)
Spiritual (Favor with God)
Social (Favor with Man)
I mentioned in a previous post that I adapted these 4 concepts into the rite of passage I did for my son:
Courage
Stewardship
Vision
Harmony
You can find similar archetypes in many places, including in the writings of Carl Jung or in the book “King, Warrior, Lover, Magician” by Robert Morse. I have a friend who broke it down into: Truth, Loyalty, Initiation and Revelation. I’m currently reading a book called “Adam's Return” by Richard Rohr who breaks masculinity down into: Warrior, Wise Man, King, Lover.
There are countless variations. The exact words don’t matter much but there is a pattern: that to become a complete man3, there are 4 required attributes a boy should strive for: 1) something physical, 2) something mental, 3) something transcendent and 4) something relational.
We might be born naturally gifted in one or two of these dimensions, but most of us will have to stretch ourselves well beyond comfort to be capable in all four. And a boy’s pursuit of these 4 attributes will be the basis of his homeschool.
I envision an educational path for young men which is action-oriented, rather than classroom oriented; which prepares him to deal with the work, the emergencies, the situations, the conflicts, and the hardships he will be tasked to handle as an adult man. There will come a time in his life, perhaps many times, when other people will look to him to help and save them (be it physically, emotionally, financially, or in some other -ly) and his youth should prepare him for those moments at least as much as it prepares him for college.
I envision an educational path for young men which makes them uncomfortable, which requires an enormous amount of sweat and effort but ends with a man full of confidence and capability.4
I envision an educational path which gives boys an animating spirit, a vibrant life-force to go and do real things rather than coast through life as too many men are encouraged to do today.
How To Do This?
Recently,
publiushed an article “There’s Never Been a Better Time To Be A Man In America” and said:“The truth is, for a man who has it together, there’s a ton of opportunity out there. In many ways, it’s a golden age.”
Indeed it is. Sometimes it’s easier to complain about the state of the world and what it does to boys and men; and I admit, complaining can also be quite cathartic. But it prevents us from doing the hard work of using our opportunities to the best of our ability and go about creating new ones for those who come after us.
I wholeheartedly believe this: there has never been a time with as much opportunity as there is today - especially if we’re willing to go outside the system. There’s never been more space available for a man to start a business, get fit, expand his knowledge, network and find people to work with. It’s all here for the taking. But it’s not easy.
Homeschooling itself is an example of this. While homeschooling isn’t easy, it’s never been easier to homeschool. There have never been more homeschoolers. The resources, the help, the flexibility, the options to teach your children in your home and in your community are enormous. The opportunities and reward that come from customizing your family’s approach to education are limitless.
But where to start? Teaching your sons about manhood, etc. should all be very personal and relevant to one’s circumstances. So, I don’t believe there’s one way to do this but here’s how I conceptualize this:
Start with the 4 dimensions of manhood above. Rename them if you’d like to ideas that are meaningful to you. But have something physical, something mental, something transcendent and something relational. Define them. You don’t have to go full on nerd and make PowerPoints5 like me, but this is something I did for my boys. I share this to get your creative juices flowing.
This is your vision, your goal, this is the substance of what you do with your boys. You want your son(s) to embody these 4 things when they turn 18. When coming up with these 4 traits or dimensions or whatever you want to call them, think about the following:
What aspects of manhood already define our family and our personalities?
What do you worry about when it comes to the future? What should they be prepared for?
What family traditions work? Which aren’t working anymore? Which new ones do you want to start?
What are feasible things you and your boys could strive to do?
Once you’ve defined these traits to your level of comfort, spend time considering the changes you need to make to embody these traits yourself. It could be losing weight and exercising. It could be reaching out to neighbors and friends, being more social. It could be praying with your family or one of a million other things. But identify at least 1 thing you can do in each of these dimensions. I think it’s reasonable to say that if we’re going to ask our sons to do these things, we should be willing to do them too, to the extent of our abilities.
As they get older, organize more and more of your son’s schedule around the development of these traits. The best way to do this is to be doing these things yourself and invite him to come along; make them the substance of your life. After all, this is supposed to be what men in your family do. Deprioritize or drop altogether things that encourage a competing form of manhood; including the aforementioned ironic detachment toward life.
Next, think about men in your life who can help you. As I mentioned in the “The Purpose Of Homeschool” last week, a great opportunity of homeschooling is to place boys in other kinds of learning environments, not just a classroom, especially in their high school years.
Is coming up with 4 traits really necessary? Survivorship bias says no. But in our time of distraction and endless choice, I believe intentionality is key - otherwise time will fritter away and in a flash, our boys will become whatever kind of man the system molds them into.
I truly don’t believe boys were meant to be in a classroom all their youth. The public school classroom is no longer, if it ever was, an ideal place for a boy to learn about and prepare for manhood. It’s time to admit that for most boys, it’s an active hinderance.
With a homeschool schedule, a young man can very easily complete the necessary academic work in a few of hours and invest some time in hands on learning and getting practical, professional experience in fields that interest him (something mental).
He can also enter the spiritual, quiet, liminal spaces men need to approach something transcendent.
He can leave dopamine culture behind and learn to care, lead and serve others. (something relational)
And of course nothing about homeschooling stops him from doing something physical.
He can get college ready if he must, but he’ll also get life ready too.
No battle is without losses6. Some boys will choose not to go along, some will be lost despite our best efforts. There are no guarantees in the space between boyhood and manhood.
Regardless, one thing fathers cannot do in the 21st century is not change their tactics.
Do You Need Guidance?
These are big ideas and the details need to be planned and tailored to your village and circumstances. Often I find it helpful to get the perspective of someone far removed from my circumstances to help me see what I can’t see.
To that end, I’m available to consult with you to help you succeed.
What’s Coming?
Throughout September, I plan on writing on the following topics:
The Hero’s Journey And Boys
Publishing my first interview with a master village builder
The type of village building projects and initiatives that make the biggest difference and how I can help you.
How communication skills can help in your village
How to build villages in the office
One of my favorite religious articles is “The Military Mental Model of Mormonism”. An extremely useful framework to approach religious questions.
Luke 2: 52
And if worship Jesus Christ like myself, then a complete man is in the image of Jesus Christ.
As well as one who is attractive to women. Something our public school system also fails at.
My inner MBA strikes again.
What four virtues would you write for raising women?
I enjoyed your article, thank you. My wife and I plan to have children in the next few years and I often find myself thinking about how to raise boys specifically. From what I can tell, I share a similar life experience with you. I've suffered a lot and have learned many hard lessons in my life. I grew up with extremely permissive parents. I've had to forge discipline in an environment that invites laziness. I've had to develop my own moral code because no one ever taught me right and wrong. I've had to stitch everything together on my own. I often worry that all my attempts to help my boys might only hurt them.
>Those of us who survived the purge are akin to a soldier who survived a frontal assault across no-man’s land. It wasn’t through skill or wit that we evaded all the bullets aimed at our heads.<
This does not feel quite true. It feels like those of us who survived the purge were not just lucky but rather those who decided to try their best despite facing seemingly overwhelming odds. Those who pushed forward and picked themselves up again and again rather than laying down and dying.
I worry that true conviction and my hard fought lessons will be impossible to pass down. I often think back and see that all of my most important beliefs were formed in the face of hardship and experience-- not taught or passed down. How can you teach a boy to reach inside themselves, disregard everything they've been taught, and forge their own path? How can a man understand the full value and purpose of honesty without first being a liar? How can someone avoid vice without first indulging? How can a boy understand the perverse lies of modern society if they have been shielded from it their whole life?
I would be interested in an article about this. I agree with your dimensions of manhood, but I don't know how I'd ever teach them. Everything important I've ever learned, I've had to learn myself-- oftentimes realizing after-the-fact that it aligns exactly what someone had told me long ago (but had never held emotional truth until I learned it for myself). When I consider this, it's hard not to feel like the best strategy is to throw a boy to the wolves and hope that he emerges stronger for it.