How To Stop Being A Normie
Introduce A Little Friction Into Your Life
“The life of the contented villager is within the reach of every American. But no one's interested. They seem to spend their days in feverish haste; they seem to want a world where a household runs like a corporation. A life where clocks, gasoline, debt, bills, managers, and "I don't have time for that" feature prominently.
What they're after, I don't know. I'm not sure I'll ever get it.” -
I’ve expressed many times that the project I’m undertaking isn’t about “going back”. No one wants to go back. The past had its own challenges and we don’t want those challenges. What I’m doing is building and looking forward to a new kind of community that takes what was good (meaningful connection, family and local culture, fraternity, close contact with family & kin, interdependence, etc.) and marries it with what is good (abundance, prosperity, responsible uses of modern tech, etc.).
Admittedly, any marriage of these two will still feel a little like “going back” because it would weaken the modern values that we hold very near and dear to our hearts: choice and options.
This was something I briefly addressed in my Co-Sovereignty Framework. Perhaps the most common feedback I got was some version of the question: “how exactly does more choice lead to dependence?”
It seems like a contradiction: powerful people have choices, weak people have no choices at all, right? But in modern life, the more choices and options you indulge in and the more you value choice in your life, the more likely you are to be a boring and conforming “normie”.
This is because the options available to us in our mass society don’t move in the direction of power and capability; they do not make us stronger. But almost universally they pull us toward comfort and convenience - toward removing all the inconvenience, inefficiency, boredom, contact, and community that’s possible to remove; until our lives are like a problem you’d find on an Intro to Physics test: everything is done in a fantasy world of no friction.
But what if friction was kind of the point? What if friction is what we miss? As the late Kurt Vonnegut once wrote:
“I tell my wife I’m going out to buy an envelope: "Oh, she says, well, you're not a poor man. You know, why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And see some great looking babies. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And I'll ask a woman what kind of dog that is.
On the one hand, “One click ordering” from Amazon saves you from the burden of having to go out and deal with people. But on the other hand, it also keeps you from ever going out and having to deal with people.
On the one hand, you can ask the government to watch your kids so you can work, but on the other hand you’re asking the government to watch your kids and you have to work.
On the one hand, you can turn to mass media to “capture your imagination”, but on the other hand, now mass media has captured your imagination.
On the one hand, DoorDashing a Crunchwrap Supreme means you can be more efficient with your time. But on the other hand, now your time is a desperate search for caloric efficiency and your life is devoid of meaning.
Many things are like this, trade in capability, independence, connection for more options and more choices. The normie is anyone who is deceived about the nature of this trade: that all these choices give him more power instead of shrinking his comfort zone to nothing and reducing his the scope of his agency to consumerism.
We are like junkies, dependent on the current social order to keep shooting that friction-free life straight into our veins - to endow us with our culture, attitudes, stories, identity, opportunities and glory because normie life can’t produce any of that on its own. The normie has shaved off so much friction that he lives life vicariously; glorying in that which he did not conquer, reveling in deeds he’s never done, delighting in words he has not spoken, in songs he has not sung, in stories he has not told and finding escape in dreams he’s never dreamt.
To the normie, actual power and agency might as well be the fading, ancient scrolls lying around in some dungeon of Gondor - lost knowledge in forgotten tongues and no one but Gandalf can read them anymore.
The loss of capability will likely only accelerate with AI. No one knows quite yet what shape it will take, but I don’t believe AI is overhyped. If you *choose* it, I’m sure the AI’s of the near future will be capable of doing many things for you and by so doing, render you incapable of doing them. Maybe in the future AI robots will do all your household chores for you, even better than you could. No more fussing about who does what chore, no more reminding the kids for the 50th time to do the dishes. Then you and your family will have all that time back to do…. what exactly will you do? The normie has no answer for this.
Even now, I’m told that I could write a lot more and a lot better and expand my reach if I wrote using AI. I have my doubts about whether that’s true - but even if it is true, writing is not a capability I’m willing to lose, which is exactly what would happen if I “wrote with AI”1.
To marry the good of what was with the good of what is, to purge yourself of the normie, it will be necessary to value all these choices and options and efficiencies less. It’s quite difficult to do this by yourself. You can “atomic habits” your way to an intentional life for a season, but “friction”, inefficiencies, contact and community all require other people.
When we feel nostalgic for the good that was, it’s obviously not for outhouses or scurvy or washing clothes by hand. What we’re actually missing is the proper place and the requisite relationships to practice human virtues like legacy, patience, forgiveness, generosity, honesty, honor, loyalty, industry, and the rearing of children. These virtues do not spring out of us naturally nor can one living the normie life ever grasp their true meaning. Those virtues are nurtured by consistent connections which are not always pleasant and are rarely convenient.
Perhaps the irony of modern life is that in order to get what we lack most we have to choose friction.
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Recent Appearances
Zion Media, a Latter-day Saint YouTube Channel, had me on to talk about friendship and normal life for men. Check it out.
How Can I Help You?
These are big ideas and the details need to be tailored to your family, your fatherhood goals, your village and your circumstances. To that end, I’m available to consult with you to help you succeed.
Do you want to lead your family? Do you want to parent intentionally? Do you want friendship and fraternity? Do you want to raise your sons to be even better men than you? Do you want to build purpose into your family life? I can help you.
I did feed one of my recent articles into ChatGPT and asked it how likely this was to have been written by a human vs an AI. Perhaps ironically, I felt satisfied with my writer’s voice when ChatGPT came back with an answer of 95% likely to be written by a human.
I might print this out and mail it to my friends and family. I love when someone writes and clarifies so eloquently the vague thoughts that have been percolating in my head. Thank you!
Appreciate this! I often tell people that I wish the subtitle of my book was "the unexpected productive friction of caring for others"--but, unsurprisingly, my publishing house preferred "magic."